did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
