I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
