Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
