my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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