i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
