Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
