I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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