life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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