That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
