I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
