I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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