I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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