You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
