i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
