When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
