that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
