i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
