People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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