i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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