I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
