I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
