I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
