kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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