I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
What a dumb baby whore.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
