i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize