I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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