I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Randomize
