I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
