everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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