pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
