if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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