I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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