I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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