my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
