You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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