Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
