Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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