I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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