The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
