When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
