1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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