During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
