she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
