Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he thought i was a dude.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
