It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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