My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
