but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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