Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
