I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
