dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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