Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
