well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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