How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
