Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
