On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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