last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i drank out of a bidet.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
