No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
