I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
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