Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
