I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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