we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
