If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
