I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
