I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
