I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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