dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
