i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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